There is a feeling of uncertainty that plagues my mind. Fear of never achieving that heighten sense of life that love and a family I feel will give. Will I ever achieve my goal of happiness? Will my life consist of more than routine staleness? I long for the embrace of a lover that can last to the day I part this plane of dimension. In the privacy of my loneliness I drop tears of pain. The longing for a life long partner and the love they can give is what my heart craves. Many a time before I have come across those who were willing to give me the love I needed but in my own selfish greed I lost them to waves of disparity. Lost in the elements of time and drowned in their own sorrowful tears of wishes of never meeting acquaintances. Growing in age and constantly reaching new levels of maturity have placed me in a place where I am seeking for what I once had and now…lol now…as ironic as it is, be it karma or w****ver, I cant find it. I seek, I look, I travel places anew only to find that once again I am left empty handed. Crawling back into my bed after trying to discern the shower water from my own falling tears, once again alone. Curled up between my sheets and tossing in my sleep, steadily reaching out for someone to hold on to. Sigh… little so much no one knows. My favorite love songs are now instant triggers to emotions that I so easily hide. Forcing tears to my eyes that I quickly wipe away for fear of being seen. Jealousy is triggered when I see happy beautiful couples, that leaves me wishing I could have what they have. The holding of hands, the walking together and laughing, the comfort of looking across the room and seeing that one that true cares smiling back. The passionate *** and joys of love making are things I wish someone would bestow upon me. Searching from one race to another in hopes that one of them may be able to provide what it is I need. I feed off of the slim pickings of conversations and the randomness of one person displaying some sort of attention or some sense of caring which rarely occurs but is slobbered up when ever presented. When seeking I feel that I may over do in hopes that the lady wont leave. My fear and anxiety of losing my opportunity to have love once again makes me come of as pretentious and over eager in wanting it to work. My starvation of attention causes me to ask for more, fish for compliments, and feed to satisfy this hunger that seems to have no end. Dreams and hopes of becoming the father I wish mine had been to me gives me the strong desire to be a dad and makes me envious of those who have children to cherish. Tears fill my eyes as I think of those of whom I love who have moved on to enjoy the fullness of life by including a new young life and the painful wishing or rather yet regrets that it could’ve been me. Shallow by all means leaves me searching for a cute face and a body to match and pass over the not widely attractive ladies who maybe able to give me all I need and maybe more. Sigh… pretty faces want pretty faces and not so pretty faces want pretty faces, but pretty faces don’t want not so pretty faces. I wonder what category I’m in. If I settle for less than what I desire will I truly be happy? I want to be able to wake up and enjoy watching my love still asleep or slowly waking up. Not wake up and wish I could close my eyes and go back to sleep. Shit Ionknow just sissified rambling I guess. Time to man up once again. Jay is back, Wad up?